It has been a very long time since we have updated our blog. As much as I would like to say that it is because life has gotten in the way (while that is partly true), the fact of the matter is that it has been hard. For us moving forward from the paperwork stage into the waiting stage has been a crazy whirlwind, and a roller coaster already. Adam and I officially began waiting May 2. Within that first week we received a “circular” email from our adoption agency, telling us information about a potential adoption situation. How these situations work for us is that our agency sends out emails to “waiting” adoptive parents that have information about birthparents wishing to set up an adoption plan for their child. We then read through a fairly lengthy description of both birthparents and we choose to either submit our profile to each family or not. With each circular comes the question of "how many other waiting adoptive families received this same email?" And so with each circular comes a great amount of uncertainty.
Receiving our first adoption circular sent a crazy surge of emotions through me. It was crazy to read about real birthparents and think that this could be it. This could be our baby. All these months of planning and dreaming this could be it! But, as quickly as those thoughts entered my mind an even more intense feeling of anxiety, doubt, fear, and just denial came over me. Almost like a “snap out of it” sort of feeling. How could we be chosen so quickly? What was so special about us? How many other families are waiting too and received this same email? Why would we stand out to anyone, really? Adam and I quickly responded with a resounding “YES!” email to our caseworker and left it at that. Weeks passed by slowly. And eventually all those “dreamy” thoughts began to fade. And then more circular emails began to come in...no pour in! In a matter for just a few weeks we had a “YES” response in for 5 babies.
I could hardly believe it. 5 babies! The odds seemed pretty good. We began to think, "maybe this is going to happen much sooner than we anticipated. Maybe all the people that told us the wait is long, and hard, or maybe those crazy stories you read about adoptive parents waiting like a week or a month, maybe that will be our story."
And then something crazier happened. Our case worker called us and told us that a birthmom had taken our profile book and home study report home and that we were in her top 4 for potential adoptive parents for her already born son! That news came as a shock to us. Questions began to fill our heads, "What if we are parents in a few short days? We don’t even have half of the supplies we need. What if she chooses us?" We had a quick moment of laughing and excitement-very suddenly interrupted by the ever looming feeling of doubt, fear, and anxiety (at least in my mind).A few days later (which felt like an eternity!) We were sent an oh so empathetic (sarcasm here) “sorry she chose someone else"email.
My immediate reaction was almost a “duh” response. Of course she chose someone else. This is our story, this is what happens with us always! The moment we dare to hope, the second we dare to think “what if”---reality seems to smack us dead in the face and bring us back down from dreamland. Every negative pregnancy test, every failed attempt at conceiving, and every "no" response seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment. Days passed and slowly the “sorry, but she chose someone else” emails have been coming in and some adoption cases are still pending. As of right now, Adam and I have yet to receive another adoption circular in over a month.
What this "waiting" stage has revealed to me is that I am absolutely terrified of dreaming. Every dreamy thought that seems to cross my mind about our future child comes crashing down by fear and doubt and just the disappointment I have felt for almost 2 years.
The part that makes it so hard is that we are in this exciting phase of life waiting on our baby, it could realistically be any day, and I can't bear the thought. Other people have given us a number of baby items at this point and most days I keep them locked away with the door shut tight because it really is just too hard for me to look at them every day. Other people are also beginning to get excited for us and ask us things like " oh have you started to decorate the nursery yet?" Or questions like, "so, are you getting excited?" And honestly I usually give positive answers in reply- but in reality I'm scared to hope.
Adam and I have been reading a book together called "Adoption After Infertility" which talks about this very hesitancy in adoptive parents. Not wanting to be too hopeful because of the continual painful letdowns. But the author also talks about the importance for adoptive parents to experience a phase of "physiological pregnancy". A phase in which adoptive parents mentally and physically in a lot of ways prepare themselves for their babies- a nesting period. Pregnant women go through this phase naturally in pregnancy but for us, this phase feels awkward. Every now and then I have a sudden surge of emotions to be prepared, but then the fact that there is no baby in sight changes everything. Some days I feel so misplaced. So just out of the loop. So many women have gotten pregnant, had their babies, and some have even gotten pregnant again since we have been going through this whole process. Now that we are finally at the "pregnancy" stage and it feels like its finally our turn- not seeing a light at the end of tunnel- or not seeing a growing belly changes everything. The reality that there is a baby out there for us does not seem real.
So that leaves us at this point. This waiting stage has taken me yet another level deeper in my faith. It has brought me to a point of losing even more control. At this point, Adam and I can do absolutely nothing to "prove" ourselves worthy to be parents. All we can do is sit back, wait, and pray. Pray to the One who is the only hope we have. To the only One who will ever be enough. To the only One who IS OUR HOPE.
I know that one day soon, I am going to look back at this infertility/ waiting journey and be so thankful. There have been so many glimpses of God's grace already, I cannot even imagine looking back on this when all the pieces of the puzzle are together and bask in Gods goodness to us. He has brought us this far, I KNOW he will not leave us here. And so we press on, and we pray like crazy when fear begins to creep in and steal our joy.
Tonight, I opened up the door to our soon to be nursery, and I opened up a bag filled with tiny onesies. And I dreamed without fear.
A verse that has spoken volumes to us lately is Psalm 112:6-8:
"For the righteous will NEVER be moved;
He will be remembered forever.
He is NOT afraid of bad news;
His heart is FIRM, TRUSTING in the Lord.
His heart is STEADY, he will NOT be afraid,
Until he looks in TRIUMPH on his adversaries."
-Lauren
-Lauren