So it has really been forever since we have updated. We have
not had a working computer for several months and that was part of the lack of
updates. However, we are back in business again and hopefully we will be much
better at keeping everyone updated with where we are at in the adoption
process.
So much has happened since the summer, and yet, nothing has
happened all at the same time. We have had our name in for a number of babies
since July all of which resulting in us not being chosen in the end. We have
come very close two times since the summer, being in two separate birth mothers’
top choices. To say the adoption journey is a roller coaster ride is such an
understatement. We have had times of great anticipation and hope and times of
complete disappointment and hurt. It is often hard to come back down to normal
life after the emotional high of picturing life with a child and having it be
within our grasp but then feeling like we have to “start over” again.
At this point in our adoption journey we have had about
25-30 adoption situations before us. Few of which we chose not to say yes to,
due to many hard circumstances, The majority of them we have said yes to, yet
have not been chosen. Currently, we do not have our name in for any babies,
which is hard. Surprisingly, our hearts have peace.
With it being a new year, I was forced to reflect on 2014
and really think about what this year has been for us. My immediate thought is
that 2014 was probably the hardest year for us yet. And while that is true in
many ways, I can honestly say that though it was hard, it produced the most
growth in me as well. This year our faith was stretched and tested. We were
broken and shattered at times. I must have asked God “why?” a thousand times. I
also must have questioned whether he heard us, saw us, and cared about us hundreds
of times. I questioned his kindness, his goodness, his might and strength again
and again. And while many times I felt as though God was silent and that he
wasn’t present, I know now that is totally not the case. I am finally realizing
that God cares so much more about growing me closer to himself and molding me
into the image of Christ than giving me what I want. Not only that, but through
this period of waiting, he’s showing me so much more about myself that probably
would not be revealed any other way. He has shown me how my identity was so
tightly wrapped up in becoming a mom and how my thinking was so skewed—“I’ll be
happy when we have a baby…” But I am realizing, what happens next? What about
when we do have a baby. What will be my next “I’ll be happy when…” statement. That
thinking is a never ending cycle of being dissatisfied in my current situation
and thinking the next thing will make me happy which is a lie.
I also have just been learning so much about who God
actually is and how he relates to us. For so long God felt so far away, like a
distant person who is almost cruel in his dealings with us. And in my wrestling
with God over and over, he has revealed that this is not the way things should
be. Infertility was not his original plan. God did not design the world to be a
broken place. He did not wish for his children to endure pain and suffering.
God’s plan for this earth was that of joy, and order, and beauty, and
satisfaction between man and the Creator. But because of the fall, all of creation
suffers. All along, God has wanted me to embrace him in this, to let him
comfort me through this, and not hold him at a distance. This seems like such
basic stuff, but for me it has really shattered my own little world of
disappointment and dealing with grief.
This adoption journey has definitely felt like an uphill
battle sometimes. Some days I feel like all I am doing is falling down over and
over again and the goal is nowhere in sight. However, I know that I don’t have
to run this race alone. I can feel God strengthening me in his word and giving
me grace to continue on in this race. I know this journey is deeply shaping my
character. And for that I am incredibly thankful. When I look at who I was in
2014 to who I am now, I feel like I cannot even recognize that person anymore.
God has made me into a fighter- I feel like I can look back at the hill I have
already climbed and I feel such confidence knowing I have come this far. And
that confidence gives me greater strength and endurance to keep pressing on and
running this race like never before with my eyes fixed ahead. I have so much
anticipation and joy at how far I’ve come. I know that He has not given up on
me. I know that he is there with me leading me and guiding me and stilling my
anxious heart with his still small voice.
A passage of
Scripture that really speaks to my heart is Psalm 30.
I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have
not let my foes rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed
me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored
me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks
to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment and his favor is for a
lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night but JOY comes with the
morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me!
O Lord, be my helper!
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth
And clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your
praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!