Monday, January 12, 2015

Joy in the Journey

So it has really been forever since we have updated. We have not had a working computer for several months and that was part of the lack of updates. However, we are back in business again and hopefully we will be much better at keeping everyone updated with where we are at in the adoption process.

So much has happened since the summer, and yet, nothing has happened all at the same time. We have had our name in for a number of babies since July all of which resulting in us not being chosen in the end. We have come very close two times since the summer, being in two separate birth mothers’ top choices. To say the adoption journey is a roller coaster ride is such an understatement. We have had times of great anticipation and hope and times of complete disappointment and hurt. It is often hard to come back down to normal life after the emotional high of picturing life with a child and having it be within our grasp but then feeling like we have to “start over” again.

At this point in our adoption journey we have had about 25-30 adoption situations before us. Few of which we chose not to say yes to, due to many hard circumstances, The majority of them we have said yes to, yet have not been chosen. Currently, we do not have our name in for any babies, which is hard. Surprisingly, our hearts have peace.

With it being a new year, I was forced to reflect on 2014 and really think about what this year has been for us. My immediate thought is that 2014 was probably the hardest year for us yet. And while that is true in many ways, I can honestly say that though it was hard, it produced the most growth in me as well. This year our faith was stretched and tested. We were broken and shattered at times. I must have asked God “why?” a thousand times. I also must have questioned whether he heard us, saw us, and cared about us hundreds of times. I questioned his kindness, his goodness, his might and strength again and again. And while many times I felt as though God was silent and that he wasn’t present, I know now that is totally not the case. I am finally realizing that God cares so much more about growing me closer to himself and molding me into the image of Christ than giving me what I want. Not only that, but through this period of waiting, he’s showing me so much more about myself that probably would not be revealed any other way. He has shown me how my identity was so tightly wrapped up in becoming a mom and how my thinking was so skewed—“I’ll be happy when we have a baby…” But I am realizing, what happens next? What about when we do have a baby. What will be my next “I’ll be happy when…” statement. That thinking is a never ending cycle of being dissatisfied in my current situation and thinking the next thing will make me happy which is a lie.

I also have just been learning so much about who God actually is and how he relates to us. For so long God felt so far away, like a distant person who is almost cruel in his dealings with us. And in my wrestling with God over and over, he has revealed that this is not the way things should be. Infertility was not his original plan. God did not design the world to be a broken place. He did not wish for his children to endure pain and suffering. God’s plan for this earth was that of joy, and order, and beauty, and satisfaction between man and the Creator. But because of the fall, all of creation suffers. All along, God has wanted me to embrace him in this, to let him comfort me through this, and not hold him at a distance. This seems like such basic stuff, but for me it has really shattered my own little world of disappointment and dealing with grief.

This adoption journey has definitely felt like an uphill battle sometimes. Some days I feel like all I am doing is falling down over and over again and the goal is nowhere in sight. However, I know that I don’t have to run this race alone. I can feel God strengthening me in his word and giving me grace to continue on in this race. I know this journey is deeply shaping my character. And for that I am incredibly thankful. When I look at who I was in 2014 to who I am now, I feel like I cannot even recognize that person anymore. God has made me into a fighter- I feel like I can look back at the hill I have already climbed and I feel such confidence knowing I have come this far. And that confidence gives me greater strength and endurance to keep pressing on and running this race like never before with my eyes fixed ahead. I have so much anticipation and joy at how far I’ve come. I know that He has not given up on me. I know that he is there with me leading me and guiding me and stilling my anxious heart with his still small voice.

 A passage of Scripture that really speaks to my heart is Psalm 30.

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night but JOY comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me!
O Lord, be my helper!
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth
And clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!


~Lauren 

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