Redemption Story

Hey guys, sorry that it has taken me so long to write. Life for us has been busy. And If I am being honest…it has been HARD.

I don’t mean hard in the physical sense, but for me in the spiritual sense. Some days this whole adoption thing seems much too HARD.

And I know I wrote a lot about this in my previous post, but the truth of the matter is dealing with infertility and moving towards adoption are two very different things that each come with their own set of challenges.

And to be honest, there are still days when I just flat out feel like I can’t do this anymore. There are still days when I feel like why were we given this burden? Why can I not seem to get passed this pain? Why does adoption have to be so exhausting?

Why. Why. Why. The questions in my mind seem to never end. And so many days I feel defeated yet again. And I sit here thinking to myself, “Didn’t I already deal with this? God, didn’t you already heal my heart from this and give me a fresh new perspective?

Why is this pain and hurt being stirred up in me again? Will I ever feel free?”

Some days I am convinced that no, this will hurt forever and this is something that will just be a sore subject, but what I am seeing more and more of is God’s redemption story being written in my own life.

I feel like I am an onion, being peeled layer by layer and God is constantly revealing on a deeper level my sin, my insecurities, my fears, my doubts, etc. and this process is PAINFUL! Just when I feel comfortable and like I finally have a grip on this thing called life, there is something deeper God is pointing out and something more that I have to look at.

So here I sit with what I feel like is an open wound. I feel sensitive, vulnerable, exposed, and easily infected. It is so easy for me to want to crawl up into a ball and feel sorry for myself and feel like nobody understands and like life isn’t fair.

But, the thing as of late that God is showing and revealing to me is how those areas of my life that are the most painful are not quick band aid fixes. I am the type of person who likes to deal with something once and move on. I don’t want to sit here and think about things over and over again, I want to just be done with it. So when a deep hurt like infertility is in my face constantly I just want to shove it aside and say “I’ve dealt with this” I’m ok!” “MOVE ON ALREADY”

But God is pressing on my heart a little deeper, a little deeper, and deeper still. He is showing me that there are still so many areas that I think I’ve dealt with, but haven’t and that sometimes our hardest battles are things we have to surrender to him again, and again, and again. It is not a one-time fix. As much as I wish it was.

So looking at my heart on a deeper level, God is stripping away my comfortable ideas of my family. Ever since I was little I had all these perfect little dreams about my future family and how exactly I wanted this to look. Sure adoption always looked pretty and like something I would love to tack onto my already “perfect” life later.

However, adoption, I am finding, is not something that is glamorous even though I think it is portrayed this way in the media today or even our Christian world.

Adoption is most definitely messy. There is almost always some sort of brokenness tied to adoption. A child being abandoned to an orphanage. Brokenness. A birthmother realizing that she cannot raise her child or give her child the life she wishes she could. Brokenness. A child orphaned because his/her parents passed away. Brokenness. A child put in foster care due to his/her parents inability to take care of the child. Brokenness.

This realization is hard to grapple with. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around at times. I think for so long I saw the beauty side of adoption (which it most definitely is!) and I missed so much of the hurt and brokenness that comes with adoption. It already hurts my heart to know that our child will have to deal with some of these feelings and emotions. But I am finding how important our role, as parents will be in the life of our future child.

And with that I am realizing that God is calling us to something so much more than our own “perfect family”. God is using us in his redemption story. God is sending us a little one whose life can be redeemed by his grace. Children who are adopted do often times come with a deep wound, maybe not even a wound they will know is there for years to come, but it is there. And I am realizing that God is giving us the gift of being a part of this child’s redemption story. God can and I think He will use us to point this child to the only true Healer.

Everyday I see a little bit more how my life is not about me. Not about my plans, my dreams, my wishes. But, about being part of God’s redemption story. The Bible in its entirety is a book about God constantly redeeming humanity. And how different people in the Bible played a role in this redemption story. God used normal people in broken situations to bring about redemption. And so the question I am faced with lately is, “Are you going to keep holding on to your ideas of what your life should be? Or will you let me (God) use you in a way you could have never imagined?” And this question is hard for me because I still cling so tightly to this perfect picture of how I thought life would be. But in all honestly, my picture is selfish. My picture is comfortable. easy. “pretty”.

Time for me to surrender yet again, and peel back another layer of the “onion”.

I am seeing so much more why adoption is a calling, and not something that is just “a good thing to do”. Adoption is redemption.

Lauren