Joy in the Journey

So it has really been forever since we have updated. We have not had a working computer for several months and that was part of the lack of updates. However, we are back in business again and hopefully we will be much better at keeping everyone updated with where we are at in the adoption process.

So much has happened since the summer, and yet, nothing has happened all at the same time. We have had our name in for a number of babies since July all of which resulting in us not being chosen in the end. We have come very close two times since the summer, being in two separate birth mothers’ top choices. To say the adoption journey is a roller coaster ride is such an understatement. We have had times of great anticipation and hope and times of complete disappointment and hurt. It is often hard to come back down to normal life after the emotional high of picturing life with a child and having it be within our grasp but then feeling like we have to “start over” again.

At this point in our adoption journey we have had about 25-30 adoption situations before us. Few of which we chose not to say yes to, due to many hard circumstances, The majority of them we have said yes to, yet have not been chosen. Currently, we do not have our name in for any babies, which is hard. Surprisingly, our hearts have peace.

With it being a new year, I was forced to reflect on 2014 and really think about what this year has been for us. My immediate thought is that 2014 was probably the hardest year for us yet. And while that is true in many ways, I can honestly say that though it was hard, it produced the most growth in me as well. This year our faith was stretched and tested. We were broken and shattered at times. I must have asked God “why?” a thousand times. I also must have questioned whether he heard us, saw us, and cared about us hundreds of times. I questioned his kindness, his goodness, his might and strength again and again. And while many times I felt as though God was silent and that he wasn’t present, I know now that is totally not the case. I am finally realizing that God cares so much more about growing me closer to himself and molding me into the image of Christ than giving me what I want. Not only that, but through this period of waiting, he’s showing me so much more about myself that probably would not be revealed any other way. He has shown me how my identity was so tightly wrapped up in becoming a mom and how my thinking was so skewed—“I’ll be happy when we have a baby…” But I am realizing, what happens next? What about when we do have a baby. What will be my next “I’ll be happy when…” statement. That thinking is a never ending cycle of being dissatisfied in my current situation and thinking the next thing will make me happy which is a lie.

I also have just been learning so much about who God actually is and how he relates to us. For so long God felt so far away, like a distant person who is almost cruel in his dealings with us. And in my wrestling with God over and over, he has revealed that this is not the way things should be. Infertility was not his original plan. God did not design the world to be a broken place. He did not wish for his children to endure pain and suffering. God’s plan for this earth was that of joy, and order, and beauty, and satisfaction between man and the Creator. But because of the fall, all of creation suffers. All along, God has wanted me to embrace him in this, to let him comfort me through this, and not hold him at a distance. This seems like such basic stuff, but for me it has really shattered my own little world of disappointment and dealing with grief.

This adoption journey has definitely felt like an uphill battle sometimes. Some days I feel like all I am doing is falling down over and over again and the goal is nowhere in sight. However, I know that I don’t have to run this race alone. I can feel God strengthening me in his word and giving me grace to continue on in this race. I know this journey is deeply shaping my character. And for that I am incredibly thankful. When I look at who I was in 2014 to who I am now, I feel like I cannot even recognize that person anymore. God has made me into a fighter- I feel like I can look back at the hill I have already climbed and I feel such confidence knowing I have come this far. And that confidence gives me greater strength and endurance to keep pressing on and running this race like never before with my eyes fixed ahead. I have so much anticipation and joy at how far I’ve come. I know that He has not given up on me. I know that he is there with me leading me and guiding me and stilling my anxious heart with his still small voice.

 A passage of Scripture that really speaks to my heart is Psalm 30.

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.

O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name.

For his anger is but for a moment and his favor is for a lifetime.

Weeping may tarry for the night but JOY comes with the morning.

As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”

By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face I was dismayed.

To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:

“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

Will it tell of your faithfulness?

Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me!

O Lord, be my helper!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth

And clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

~Lauren 

Dare to Hope

It has been a very long time since we have updated our blog. As much as I would like to say that it is because life has gotten in the way (while that is partly true), the fact of the matter is that it has been hard. For us moving forward from the paperwork stage into the waiting stage has been a crazy whirlwind, and a roller coaster already. Adam and I officially began waiting May 2. Within that first week we received a “circular” email from our adoption agency, telling us information about a potential adoption situation. How these situations work for us is that our agency sends out emails to “waiting” adoptive parents that have information about birthparents wishing to set up an adoption plan for their child. We then read through a fairly lengthy description of both birthparents and we choose to either submit our profile to each family or not. With each circular comes the question of "how many other waiting adoptive families received this same email?" And so with each circular comes a great amount of uncertainty.

Receiving our first adoption circular sent a crazy surge of emotions through me. It was crazy to read about real birthparents and think that this could be it. This could be our baby. All these months of planning and dreaming this could be it! But, as quickly as those thoughts entered my mind an even more intense feeling of anxiety, doubt, fear, and just denial came over me. Almost like a “snap out of it” sort of feeling. How could we be chosen so quickly? What was so special about us? How many other families are waiting too and received this same email? Why would we stand out to anyone, really? Adam and I quickly responded with a resounding “YES!” email to our caseworker and left it at that. Weeks passed by slowly. And eventually all those “dreamy” thoughts began to fade. And then more circular emails began to come in...no pour in! In a matter for just a few weeks we had  a “YES” response in for 5 babies.

I could hardly believe it. 5 babies! The odds seemed pretty good. We began to think, "maybe this is going to happen much sooner than we anticipated. Maybe all the people that told us the wait is long, and hard, or maybe those crazy stories you read about adoptive parents waiting like a week or a month, maybe that will be our story." 

And then something crazier happened. Our case worker called us and told us that a birthmom had taken our profile book and home study report home and that we were in her top 4 for potential adoptive parents for her already born son! That news came as a shock to us. Questions began to fill our heads, "What if we are parents in a few short days? We don’t even have half of the supplies we need. What if she chooses us?" We had a quick moment of laughing and excitement-very suddenly interrupted by the ever looming feeling of doubt, fear, and anxiety (at least in my mind).A few days later (which felt like an eternity!) We were sent an oh so empathetic (sarcasm here) “sorry she chose someone else"email. 

My immediate reaction was almost a “duh” response. Of course she chose someone else. This is our story, this is what happens with us always! The moment we dare to hope, the second we dare to think “what if”---reality seems to smack us dead in the face and bring us back down from dreamland. Every negative pregnancy test, every failed attempt at conceiving, and every "no" response seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment. Days passed and slowly the “sorry, but she chose someone else” emails have been coming in and some adoption cases are still pending. As of right now, Adam and I have yet to receive another adoption circular in over a month. 

What this "waiting" stage has revealed to me is that I am absolutely terrified of dreaming. Every dreamy thought that seems to cross my mind about our future child comes crashing down by fear and doubt and just the disappointment I have felt for almost 2 years. 

The part that makes it so hard is that we are in this exciting phase of life waiting on our baby, it could realistically be any day, and I can't bear the thought. Other people have given us a number of baby items at this point and most days I keep them locked away with the door shut tight because it really is just too hard for me to look at them every day. Other people are also beginning to get excited for us and ask us things like " oh have you started to decorate the nursery yet?" Or questions like, "so, are you getting excited?" And honestly I usually give positive answers in reply- but in reality I'm scared to hope. 

Adam and I have been reading a book together called "Adoption After Infertility" which talks about this very hesitancy in adoptive parents. Not wanting to be too hopeful because of the continual painful letdowns. But the author also talks about the importance for adoptive parents to experience a phase of "physiological pregnancy". A phase in which adoptive parents mentally and physically in a lot of ways prepare themselves for their babies- a nesting period. Pregnant women go through this phase naturally in pregnancy but for us, this phase feels awkward. Every now and then I have a sudden surge of emotions to be prepared, but then the fact that there is no baby in sight changes everything. Some days I feel so misplaced. So just out of the loop. So many women have gotten pregnant, had their babies, and some have even gotten pregnant again since we have been going through this whole process. Now that we are finally at the "pregnancy" stage and it feels like its finally our turn- not seeing a light at the end of tunnel- or not seeing a growing belly changes everything. The reality that there is a baby out there for us does not seem real. 

So that leaves us at this point. This waiting stage has taken me yet another level deeper in my faith. It has brought me to a point of losing even more control. At this point, Adam and I can do absolutely nothing to "prove" ourselves worthy to be parents. All we can do is sit back, wait, and pray. Pray to the One who is the only hope we have. To the only One who will ever be enough. To the only One who IS OUR HOPE.

I know that one day soon, I am going to look back at this infertility/ waiting journey and be so thankful. There have been so many glimpses of God's grace already, I cannot even imagine looking back on this when all the pieces of the puzzle are together and bask in Gods goodness to us. He has brought us this far, I KNOW he will not leave us here. And so we press on, and we pray like crazy when fear begins to creep in and steal our joy.

Tonight, I opened up the door to our soon to be nursery, and I opened up a bag filled with tiny onesies. And I dreamed without fear.

A verse that has spoken volumes to us lately is Psalm 112:6-8:

"For the righteous will NEVER be moved;

He will be remembered forever.

He is NOT afraid of bad news;

His heart is FIRM, TRUSTING in the Lord.

His heart is STEADY, he will NOT be afraid,

Until he looks in TRIUMPH on his adversaries."
-Lauren

Bag for a Baby

Hey All,

We just wanted to take a second to tell you about an exciting opportunity! Our friends at Bros. Leather Supply Co. have just revealed their Bag for a Baby campaign.

Bros. is a Grand Rapids run company that specializes in high quality vintage leather goods. These bags perform well at home, out and about, and in the conference room. We’re big fans. Check out their website here.

Bag for a Baby is a campaign they designed specifically for our adoption! Here’s the deal. If you want to bring home one of these amazing bags, then go to their website and look for the link that says Bag for a Baby. This link will provide you with a discount code associated with the campaign. When you shop with this code, a portion of the proceeds will go towards funding our adoption. How cool is that? So if you are looking for a new bag that will become a part of your daily routine and if you want to support us, check this deal out. Did I mention that Bros. does personalized products too?

Thanks to our friends at Bros. Leather Supply Co. and thank you for checking it out.

Happy Summer!

A&L

Steadfast

Hello Friends and Family,

Lauren and I are excited to report that we have been approved for adoptive placement with Bethany Christian Service! I know it can be hard to keep track of our progress in this whole thing, so what this means is that the agency has checked us out thoroughly and have deemed us ready to be adoptive parents. You can see on our timeline how many steps we’ve taken to get here.

On the financial side of things, we have continued to receive support from friends, family members and a few strangers. Even this week, we opened a letter to find a heartfelt letter of encouragement and a very generous check inside. In one word, I am humbled. Others have given their time and talents to bring us closer to bringing our baby home. We thank God for you. This week, we are diving into some adoption grant applications. Check out our giving site to track our fundraising efforts.

God encouraged us this week from his Word in James 1:2-8. It’s a familiar passage in which James, the pastor, challenges his people to be steadfast in trials. Steadfastness is the ability to continue under or to stand up in the midst of difficult circumstances. Throughout Scripture, it often is used in the context of faith. God’s people are challenged to stand up (and not fall or quit or shut down or doubt) in trials.

Faith is the context here and I love the word picture James gives. He contrasts steadfastness with the one who doubts God’s ability to deliver: “the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” Do you see it? The one who doubts is like a wave of the seas; he is pushed back and forth by his circumstances. The wind blows and off he goes. His attitude towards God is up and down. His trust in God is as flippant as the weather.

Now, contrast that with steadfastness. Steadfastness brings to mind a firmly grounded dock that will not move, no matter what the weather looks like. Steadfastness is like an anchor or a mountain that doesn’t budge. Lauren and I found ourselves asking, how do we get faith like that, because we’re pretty back and forth most the time. The answer is here in the passage: “the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”

That is it. Like all good things, being steadfast in faith takes time and effort. It’ll probably take forever. We found ourselves talking about the little steps God has required us to take in the last year and how far we feel like we’ve come when we look back at it all. A test here and there, and God begins to make us tough so we can stand.

Wrapping it up, it is really easy to view adoption as the end-all-be-all here, as the place of arrival. But it’s really not. It is a large part of what we’re up to but it is only a season we’re in. It’s a season that God is using to shape us. The same is true for everyone who is God’s. Whatever season you’re in, it’s meant to build toughness into you and make your faith immovable.

Thanks for reading. We’re grateful for you! 

A New Look & A New Season

Hey Friends,

Adam here. First of all, Lauren and I want to say thanks to our friend Amanda. She is a designer and adoptive Mom that we have met along the way. She gave our blog a new look and we love it. She and her husband Jarrod are entering into an exciting phase of their adoption journey. They just got matched with their daughter who is coming in August! Take a second to check out Amanda’s blog.

I have been thinking a lot about seasons lately—probably because Lauren and I are so grateful that we survived our first Grand Rapids winter. We even bought a tulip to celebrate (see below). But life is full of different seasons, and I heard a pastor talk about this recently. He pointed out that Scripture often compares life with farming. For example, James 5:7-8 says, “See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth…until it receives the early and the late rain. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.”

Establish your hearts. This phrase brings to mind perseverance, steadfastness and character. These are all great things, but growing is difficult and waiting is hard. Why does there have to be a process? I wish things were instant.

But notice that the farmer is waiting for “precious fruit.” What James is talking about is the fruit of being like Christ and the fruit of actually trusting God in life. Sometimes Lauren and I wonder what the point to all this waiting is. While I don’t know the full answer to this question, I at least know—in my moments of clarity—that God is teaching us that he grows us as a part of his redemption story. We are microcosms of his grace—walking/talking examples of what he can do with broken things. So he takes broken situations and makes precious fruit grow. He takes infertility and gives adoption.

And there is a point to it: “…the coming of the Lord is at hand.” No matter how dark or hopeless life may seem, there is hope because there is a victorious Lord orchestrating everything. I know he is good, and I know he wins. The only thing worse than suffering and hardship, I think, is the idea that there is no point at all to our suffering and hardship. I know there are no tears, no depression and no sense of loss in the end. But to live like this is true is not easy. It is like tilling the ground, planting a seed, watering the earth and trusting that something great is coming.

So here we are in a season of waiting, trusting that God is growing something in us and preparing us for what is next. We’re just about to sign our home study and be approved for adoption! After that, we will wait to be matched with our son/daughter. We’re not sure how long that will be. Thanks so much for reading. Be blessed and enjoy the Spring!

Adam

Special Delivery!

Hey Friends,

Adam here. We came home today to find a special delivery in our mailbox. It was our family profile books! If we haven’t explained this already, these books are going to be distributed to potential birth parents. The purpose of the book is to briefly describe who we are and why we want to adopt so that potential birth families can decide to have us adopt their child. It also describes our families, friends, how we met, our traditions, and our church. It is the first impression a birth family will have of us (no pressure). Lauren and I hustled to get this book done a couple weeks ago. With some help from our sister-in-law Kendra, who did some photography for us, we got it done! If you have seen our timeline on the blog, this was a big next step for us in the adoption process. We’ll be giving these books to our agency as soon as possible. Completing this project with Lauren reminded me of how incredibly blessed we are to have such great families and friends. God has richly blessed us. Trying to describe you all to potential birth families in a few short paragraphs in this book was tough. We hope the words and photos we chose do justice to the great support network we have and the life we want to provide for our kids. Pray with us for the families that will be viewing this book. As Lauren described previously, adoption is always accompanied by brokenness. The families reading our book will be in a hard place. I’ll leave you with a verse we ended our book with out of Numbers 6:24-26:

“May the LORD bless you and protect you.

May the LORD smile on you and be gracious to you.

May the LORD show you his favor and give you his peace.”

Be Blessed,

Adam & Lauren

Redemption Story

Hey guys, sorry that it has taken me so long to write. Life for us has been busy. And If I am being honest…it has been HARD.

I don’t mean hard in the physical sense, but for me in the spiritual sense. Some days this whole adoption thing seems much too HARD.

And I know I wrote a lot about this in my previous post, but the truth of the matter is dealing with infertility and moving towards adoption are two very different things that each come with their own set of challenges.

And to be honest, there are still days when I just flat out feel like I can’t do this anymore. There are still days when I feel like why were we given this burden? Why can I not seem to get passed this pain? Why does adoption have to be so exhausting?

Why. Why. Why. The questions in my mind seem to never end. And so many days I feel defeated yet again. And I sit here thinking to myself, “Didn’t I already deal with this? God, didn’t you already heal my heart from this and give me a fresh new perspective?

Why is this pain and hurt being stirred up in me again? Will I ever feel free?”

Some days I am convinced that no, this will hurt forever and this is something that will just be a sore subject, but what I am seeing more and more of is God’s redemption story being written in my own life.

I feel like I am an onion, being peeled layer by layer and God is constantly revealing on a deeper level my sin, my insecurities, my fears, my doubts, etc. and this process is PAINFUL! Just when I feel comfortable and like I finally have a grip on this thing called life, there is something deeper God is pointing out and something more that I have to look at.

So here I sit with what I feel like is an open wound. I feel sensitive, vulnerable, exposed, and easily infected. It is so easy for me to want to crawl up into a ball and feel sorry for myself and feel like nobody understands and like life isn’t fair.

But, the thing as of late that God is showing and revealing to me is how those areas of my life that are the most painful are not quick band aid fixes. I am the type of person who likes to deal with something once and move on. I don’t want to sit here and think about things over and over again, I want to just be done with it. So when a deep hurt like infertility is in my face constantly I just want to shove it aside and say “I’ve dealt with this” I’m ok!” “MOVE ON ALREADY”

But God is pressing on my heart a little deeper, a little deeper, and deeper still. He is showing me that there are still so many areas that I think I’ve dealt with, but haven’t and that sometimes our hardest battles are things we have to surrender to him again, and again, and again. It is not a one-time fix. As much as I wish it was.

So looking at my heart on a deeper level, God is stripping away my comfortable ideas of my family. Ever since I was little I had all these perfect little dreams about my future family and how exactly I wanted this to look. Sure adoption always looked pretty and like something I would love to tack onto my already “perfect” life later.

However, adoption, I am finding, is not something that is glamorous even though I think it is portrayed this way in the media today or even our Christian world.

Adoption is most definitely messy. There is almost always some sort of brokenness tied to adoption. A child being abandoned to an orphanage. Brokenness. A birthmother realizing that she cannot raise her child or give her child the life she wishes she could. Brokenness. A child orphaned because his/her parents passed away. Brokenness. A child put in foster care due to his/her parents inability to take care of the child. Brokenness.

This realization is hard to grapple with. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around at times. I think for so long I saw the beauty side of adoption (which it most definitely is!) and I missed so much of the hurt and brokenness that comes with adoption. It already hurts my heart to know that our child will have to deal with some of these feelings and emotions. But I am finding how important our role, as parents will be in the life of our future child.

And with that I am realizing that God is calling us to something so much more than our own “perfect family”. God is using us in his redemption story. God is sending us a little one whose life can be redeemed by his grace. Children who are adopted do often times come with a deep wound, maybe not even a wound they will know is there for years to come, but it is there. And I am realizing that God is giving us the gift of being a part of this child’s redemption story. God can and I think He will use us to point this child to the only true Healer.

Everyday I see a little bit more how my life is not about me. Not about my plans, my dreams, my wishes. But, about being part of God’s redemption story. The Bible in its entirety is a book about God constantly redeeming humanity. And how different people in the Bible played a role in this redemption story. God used normal people in broken situations to bring about redemption. And so the question I am faced with lately is, “Are you going to keep holding on to your ideas of what your life should be? Or will you let me (God) use you in a way you could have never imagined?” And this question is hard for me because I still cling so tightly to this perfect picture of how I thought life would be. But in all honestly, my picture is selfish. My picture is comfortable. easy. “pretty”.

Time for me to surrender yet again, and peel back another layer of the “onion”.

I am seeing so much more why adoption is a calling, and not something that is just “a good thing to do”. Adoption is redemption.

Lauren